My Name is Mommy

Do you ever ask yourself this question? Or, if you’re not a mom, do you ever look at someone else and ask, “What kind of mother is she?”

Maybe you’re a new mom, and you’re not mothering the way you thought you would. You haven’t accomplished the cookies baked from scratch, the jaunt to the art museum, the mulitplication table flashcards (for your 2 year old), and the 10 step craft project that you thought would be accomplished each morning. (Wow, were you nuts?)

Or maybe you’re watching someone mothering and you’re thinking, “Why is she doing that THAT way? Doesn’t she know that isn’t the best way to do that? Maybe she doesn’t know that she’s doing it wrong. Maybe I should go tell her.” Wow. Especially if you’re not a mother yourself, I would not recommend this course of action. (But if you’re going to do it anyway, even after I’ve warned you, please let me know when and where. I’ll come to see you get torn limb from limb.)

The truth is, no 2 mothers parent EXACTLY the same way. They may use the same parenting class rules, or parenting guidebooks. They may even have been mothered by the same person. The birth and life of a mother is as unique as each of the children that she mothers. (I feel like I got that last line from somewhere else, but can’t for the life of me remember where! If you know, let me know so I can give it proper credit.)

A good friend recently directed me to one of the books that I’m reading right now. (Well, not RIGHT now. I’m typing RIGHT now. Not that good of a multitasker!!! But some days, pretty close. )

Motherstyles by Janet P. Penley with Diane Eble is a book that adapts the Myers Briggs Type Indicator to mothering roles. Just as the original indicator attempts to identify and explain different personality types, Motherstyles attempts to identify and explain different mothering styles. (Clever name for the book then, aye?)

While some may think that identifying types is limiting to individuals (I don’t know who, I’m just guessing), I personally find it very freeing. I’ve taken the Myers-Briggs before, and did the (unofficial) questionaire type evaluation in the book. The results were consistent (apparently, I’m the same type person whether I’m mothering or not! Who knew?). The results weren’t shocking to me, but they reminded me of the type of person that I am, and that who I am is perfect for me. I love the indicators (whether official or not) because they don’t attempt to put one personality type, or mothering type, on a pedestal above all others. They remind us that we’re all individuals (c’mon Monty Python fans, altogether now, “We’re all individuals.”). That we all bring different, but equally valid, gifts to the table, to the world, and to mothering.

A friend recently humored me and took the indicator while here one day. She is the complete opposite of me, personalitily speaking. (I love making up words.) And you know what? I love watching her as a mother. We have similar values, so we teach generally the same things. But we are different mothers, so we may not always teach the same things the same way. I love watching her, and other friends, because I learn from her. I can experience a different way of mothering just by being around her and her kids. I get ideas of ways to parent that I never would have thought of on my own. And, I finally admit, maybe I do one or two things right that others can learn from me, too. Maybe.

By the way, if you’re not a mother yet, but you’re planning to be, can I pass on a bit of advice? Don’t waste your time thinking of exactly how you would handle certain situations and exactly how your children will behave, etc. You haven’t met yourself as a mother yet, and you don’t know your children yet. Just enjoy all the free time you have taking hot baths, walks alone, watching movies, eating food while it’s still warm. Much better use of your time. You’ll have plenty of time for all of the other stuff later!